I do accept and live whatever has happened, but the problem is I’m still here.
My belief is that everyone has their own rhythm, including me. So, I don't need to rush.
I always say things like that to other people. However, I still haven’t really find my own rhythm.
Actually, whatever good things I say to others, I haven't felt them myself. Not yet.
Guess I’m a liar.
I’m sure some of you feel the same way.
Telling someone not to give up on life, but you are already at your limit.
We are just trying to find beauty in the little things, like being there for someone. It makes us at least, feel like we have to live and that we are still needed by someone, and that we should stay alive.
I feel like I have to accept myself who will never stop experiencing an existential crisis. Even someday at my 20s, 30s, 50s, or 70s.
At first I thought this was a teenage or normal human phase, which would end someday. But I was wrong.
My first existential crisis was when I was in kindergarten. I was 5 years old at that time. I looked at my hands and this sudden question appeared in my head;
"Why are we humans?”
And then when I was old enough, I realized that I always like this.
I question and pay attention to everything in life since I was a child.
And of course, it will have an impact on my life. Like to this day.
I always find myself different from my peers.
Of course everyone is different. It’s just, 'different.’, you know.
And with that, it’s pretty hard to find someone who’s actually on the same path as me.
I'm in 3rd grade right now. Soon I will graduate and plan to continue my studies.
But hey, I'm scared too.
I think instead of constantly focusing on my philosophical side or questioning my existence, I should focus on my further studies, right?
Throw away unimportant feelings and start walking. But it’s not always easy like that. Human is fluctuating, they’re changing.
Sometimes I feel like I already did my best, sometimes I feel like I didn’t do anything at all.
I often feel like I'm in the middle. Not above, nor below.
Whatever I feel is not a phase that just has to wait to go.
No, it's not like that.
I know it has to be faced. Yes, I already know the answer. But, I'm still here.
There are many ways, but I'm still here.
It's a common thing for people to tell me things like; "Don't be too serious in life. Once in a while, enjoy and feel the moment."
That's right. What they said was true. Yes, fortunately, I can still at least do what I love.
I just feel that I can't enjoy life for long.
Because, now, I realized that I would forever be confused and would continue to question about this world, this strange life, myself, and the universe.
Sometimes, ironically, an existential crisis is something that makes myself intact.
It sometimes helps me to stay sane from this madness.
